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Stray cats will not be fed.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence and will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled.

Stray cats will not be petted, played with, or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up, and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

Stray cats will sleep outside.

Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

Stray cats will sleep in the house.

Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with nonallergenic lambs wool pillow.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

Stray cats will not play on the desk.

Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.

Author unknown

An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep. --Arab Proverb

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Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown

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CAT MIRACLE DIET
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had any success dieting, well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week, and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy, and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

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"With the qualities of cleanliness, affection, patience, dignity, and courage that cats have, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats?"-- Fernand Mery








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