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Kids say the darnest things
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   A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN."
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      On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
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     A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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   A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven" the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
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   After the church service, a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."
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   A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"






Dividing Nuts


Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. "Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..." The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."






"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling.
Her brother says... "Now she knows."






The fifteen best replies if caught sleeping at your desk:

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
1. "Amen"







In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:     *On Sears hair dryer:   Do not use while sleeping.     * On a bag of Fritos:     You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.     * On a bar of Dial soap:     Directions: Use like regular soap.     * Some Swann frozen dinners:   Serving suggestion: Defrost.     * On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.     * On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:     Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)     * On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:   Product will be hot after heating.     * On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:   Do not iron clothes on body.     * On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:   Do not drive car or operate machinery.     * On Nytol (a sleep aid):     Warning: May cause drowsiness.     * On a Korean kitchen knife:   Warning keep out of children.     * On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.     * On a Japanese food processor:   Not to be used for the other use.     * On Sainsbury's Peanuts:     Warning: contains nuts.     * On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.     * On a Swedish chainsaw:     Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.


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DIET FOR STRESS This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast l cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) Rules for this Diet 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do. 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.  Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls. 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage. 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes. 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.  This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. 12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!) REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS


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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has never had lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along seemingly oblivious to it's slipping rider. Finally, giving up her failed grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is seconds away from unconsciousness when........ the Wal Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.


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Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep  hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did!  Craziest thing I ever seen!  It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."


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The Sparrow

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and pooped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral Of The Story:

1. Everyone who poops on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of poop is not necessarily your friend.
3. If you are warm and happy in a pile of poop, keep your mouth shut.


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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
hug her,
spend money on her,
wine her,
dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
bring beer.


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Here are 10 signs indicating that you've had too much of the '90s:

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.


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Top Ten Things Only Women Understand 10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white 8. Crying can be fun. 7. FAT CLOTHES 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience 4.The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. 2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND: 1. OTHER WOMEN!









A picture is worth a thousand...

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measuredhis speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. ---






Y to K

Secretary's memo to her boss:

TO: Boss

FROM: Blondie

RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak  
  Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!






Computer Love

My husband is jealous and I don't know why
The computer was his idea to buy.
Just because we've had take-out three nights in a row
Is no reason for him to carry on so.
I've given up shopping so I can stay home
So many Web sites I still want to roam.
On-line is wonderful and so is E-mail
He keeps on hoping our power will fail.
He claims I don't love him but really I do
It's just that I love the computer too.
Too bad this poem I'll never complete
I wiped out the rest when I hit "delete."
~ author unknown ~