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Computer Humor



** A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

** Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'. Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: 'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

** Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

** I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

** Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

** I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

** Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

** Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

** Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to -" Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click]

** Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash. It crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"  

** Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective." Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)  

** I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?" Sometimes the user can teach us a thing or two about tech support.

** A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.  

** And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.  

** An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. "This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?  

** I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key. When I taught him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.



1. I WILL HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE IN THE MORNING AND READ MY NEWSPAPER LIKE I USED TO, BEFORE THE WEB.
2. I WILL EAT BREAKFAST WITH A KNIFE AND FORK AND NOT WITH ONE HAND TYPING.
3. I WILL GET DRESSED BEFORE NOON.
4. I WILL MAKE AN ATTEMPT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE, WASH CLOTHES, AND PLAN DINNER BEFORE EVEN THINKING OF THE THE WEB.
5. I WILL SIT DOWN AND WRITE A LETTER TO THOSE UNFORTUNATE FEW FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT ARE WEB DEPRIVED.
6. I WILL CALL SOMEONE ON THE PHONE WHO I CANNOT CONTACT VIA THE WEB
7. I WILL READ A BOOK...IF I STILL REMEMBER HOW.
8. I WILL LISTEN TO THOSE AROUND ME AND THIER NEEDS AND STOP TELLING THEM TO TURN THE TV DOWN SO I CAN HEAR THE MUSIC ON THE WEB
9. I WILL NOT BE TEMPTED DURING TV COMMERCIALS TO CHECK FOR EMAIL
10. I WILL TRY AND GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK, IF IT IS NECESSARY OR NOT.
11. I WILL REMEMBER THAT MY BANK IS NOT FORGIVING IF I FORGET TO BALANCE MY CHECKBOOK BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY ON THE WEB.
12. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, I WILL REMEMBER THAT I MUST GO TO BED SOME TIME...AND THE WEB WILL ALWAYS BE THERE TOMORROW.!