D A M I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M 'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to 6 hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person; can we get naked now?"

B U Y-A G R A: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the "Not now, dear; I have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.